One of the easiest things to do in ministry is judge behavior without taking the time to understand it. Every church has the child who can’t sit still during the Bible lesson, the student who blurts out answers before anyone else has a chance to speak, the teenager who always seems to have an attitude, or the preschooler who melts down during check-in. It doesn’t take long before those children begin collecting labels. They’re disruptive. They’re defiant. They’re attention-seeking. They’re immature. Sometimes those descriptions may contain an element of truth, but they rarely tell the whole story.
Scripture is clear that children need loving instruction, discipline, and guidance. Parents are called to bring them up “in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4, CSB), and the church has an important role in helping families accomplish that task. Before we rush to correct a behavior, it is worth asking a different question: What if this behavior is trying to tell us something? More often than we realize, behavior is a form of communication. It reveals what a child cannot yet express with words.
Imagine visiting a doctor because you’re experiencing severe chest pain. You would expect the physician to ask questions, run tests, and determine the cause of the pain. You certainly wouldn’t expect him to tell you to stop grimacing. The grimace isn’t the problem; it’s a symptom pointing to something deeper. Children’s behavior often functions the same way. A child who constantly interrupts may not simply be rude but may find it hard to manage impulse control. A student who refuses to participate may not be rebellious but overwhelmed by anxiety. The teenager who seems apathetic may be carrying burdens no one else can see. The behavior itself is often only the visible expression of an invisible struggle.
This is one of the reasons I love reading the Gospels. Jesus consistently looked beyond what others could see. When the crowds saw tax collectors, sinners, and outcasts, Jesus saw men and women made in the image of God who desperately needed grace. When blind Bartimaeus cried out from the roadside, many wanted him to be quiet, but Jesus stopped and asked, “What do you want Me to do for you?” (Mark 10:51, CSB). Jesus never ignored sin, but He also never assumed that outward behavior told the entire story. He asked questions. He listened. He understood people before addressing their deepest need.
I think that example is especially important as our churches seek to disciple neurodivergent children and teenagers. Over the years, I have met countless parents who begin every conversation by apologizing for their child. Before they ever walk into a classroom, they feel the need to explain that their son is really sweet even though he struggles to sit still, or that their daughter is having a difficult day and may become overwhelmed. Those apologies often come from years of feeling misunderstood by teachers, coaches, relatives, and even other churches.
Many neurodivergent children experience and communicate with the world differently than their peers. An autistic child who leaves the room during worship may not be uninterested in singing; the sensory environment may be overwhelming. A child with ADHD who blurts out answers may not be trying to disrespect the teacher but may struggle to hold onto a thought long enough to wait his turn. A teenager with anxiety who refuses to participate in a group discussion may not be rebellious but scared of saying the wrong thing. A child who covers her ears during worship may not dislike church at all; the volume may be physically painful for her.
Admitting these realities does not mean we eliminate expectations or ignore inappropriate behavior. Every child needs boundaries, accountability, and discipleship. However, understanding why a behavior is occurring changes how we respond to it. Instead of immediately asking, “How do I stop this behavior?” we begin asking, “What is this child trying to communicate?” Those two questions lead to very different ministry responses.
One of the greatest gifts a church can offer families is not a flawless children’s ministry or the latest curriculum. It is the assurance that their child will be known and understood. Parents of children with disabilities or hidden challenges often spend their entire week explaining their son or daughter to teachers, therapists, coaches, and strangers. Church should be the one place where they don’t have to brace themselves for misunderstanding.
Imagine the difference it makes when a volunteer notices that a child seems overwhelmed and quietly asks a parent, “Is there something that helps when he feels this way?” This also happens when a small group leader says, “I noticed she needed a little extra time before joining the activity, and that’s perfectly okay.” These are the moments where, like Jesus, we stop and address specific issues within people in the crowd. It is moments like these where we do not ask questions as the disciples did in John 9: “Who sinned, this man or his parents?” Instead of making assumptions, we get to come alongside parents to shepherd their children in the Biblical model of partnership between the home and church. These moments help us see something every family longs to hear: We see your child, we care about your family, and we’re glad you’re here.
Of course, extending grace does not mean we abandon truth. Jesus was “full of grace and truth” (John 1:14), and our ministries need to reflect the same grace and truth. Children still need correction when they sin, and they still need adults who lovingly guide them toward Christ. Yet discipleship is always more effective when it grows out of understanding instead of assumption. When we take time to understand the heart behind the behavior, we move past simply managing children and begin shepherding them. Like Jesus, we are called to leave the 99 and go after the 1, and in this case, the one wayward sheep is a child struggling through mental, emotional, cognitive, or behavioral issues.
The next time a child disrupts your Sunday School class or a student withdraws during youth group, pause before assuming the worst. Consider whether that behavior might be communicating exhaustion, anxiety, confusion, cognitive difficulty, sensory overload, fear, loneliness, or a desperate desire to belong. You may still need to redirect the behavior, but you’ll do so with greater wisdom and compassion. Care for that sheep through the example of how our Shepherd in heaven cares for us.
Every Sunday, families walk through our church doors carrying struggles we cannot see and don’t experience ourselves. Some parents are exhausted. Some children are fighting battles that remain invisible to everyone around them. As followers of Christ, we have an opportunity to be different. We can slow down, ask better questions, extend grace, and recognize that every child has been created in the image of God and is worthy of being known.
If behavior is communication, then one of the greatest things we can offer struggling families is learning to listen and learn. Sometimes, what appears to be disruption is actually an invitation to love someone the way Jesus would. If we can step into this love, we can truly make disciples of all nations.